Jul 15, 1997 Anglophobes and anglophiles (Paul Mettewie)
Aug 13, 1997 Two scientists present the case (Paul Mettewie)
Sep 10, 1997 England v Italy (Paul Mettewie)
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Subject: Re: "Why England won't win any World Cup from now on"
From: Paul Mettewie
Date: July 15, 1997
RED DEVIL wrote:
..
>
> You make it so easy...
> Argentina, Spain, are not as good as England, Yugoslavia...you are
> joking aren't you..I mean you did throw them in as a laugh..because
> thats what England will do...laugh at them...not even in the same
> class as England, ok.....Brazil are on par with England (they
> struggled to beat a experimental England team recently) I would say on
> form right now that Germany are better than England.
> Italy and France are decent teams....not as good as England, who else
> you wanna talk about?
>
This is quite the constructed point-counterpoint that I have come to
expect from RSS.
Basic premise of the above:
Why are we better? Er, we're better!
Basic argument technique:
Insults and repeating a phrase until a convenient
profanity comes to mind (this takes a LONG time.)
Anglophobe: England is shite. Premiership is shite. Shite is shite.
Anglophile: Everybody else except Germany and maybe the bloody eyties
is shite. You're right about one thing -- shite is shite.
Anglophobe: You insist on using English commentators on English soccer!
You are so selfish!
Anglophile: No we're not -- we're just the best!
Anglophobe: You have to be a shitehead to believe that Icelandic soccer
isn't better than the premiership. Only a idiot with shiteful
of shite in his head would think that.
Anglophile: Hey -- our experimental team gave the Brasilians a tussle.
They lost -- but it was a noble experiment. We also won the
experimental Platini Cup in Paris against Italy, France and
Brasil. We beat the shite out of them -- we're the best!
It didn't count for anything and we haven't won a world
cup since the Beatles were together, but by god we have the
best premiership money can buy!
Anglophobe: No -- the Italians do -- and besides the transfer market
prices in Italy are much more impressive and higher. And
who are the Beatles?
Anglophile: You bloody idiot! It takes you a satchel full of lire to
buy a litre of milk, much less obtain the transfer of a
world class wanker like Ronaldo.
Anglophobe: Ronaldo isn't a wanker! Shearer is!
Anglophile: Isn't!
Anglophobe: IS!
Anglophile: Isn't!
Anglophobe: IS!
Anglophile: Isn't!
Anglophobe: IS! IS!
Anglophile: Isn't! Isn't!
Anglophobe: IS! IS! IS!
Anglophile: ISN'T! ISN'T! ISN'T! ISN'T ISN'T!
Anglophobe: IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS!
IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS!
IS! IS! IS! IS! IS! IS!
Anglophile: Shuttup you bloody foreigner -- you sound like a mosquito
in a bug trap! Come to think of it, soccer announced in
Italian sounds like that too! Bloody nonsense if you ask me!
Anglophobe: Is not!
Anglophile: IS!
Anglophobe: Okay -- I'm not going to do this again. Rather, I'll, just say
YOU ARE A GIT. A POMMY BASTARD!
Anglophile: Am not!
Anglophobe: Are too!
Anglophile: Am not!
Anglophobe: Are too!
Anglophile: Am not! Am not-not-not-not-not!
Anglophobe: Are too-too-too-too-too-too-too!
Anglophile: SHUTUP! SHUT-UP! You sound like that ridiculous American robot
movie creature - R4D2 something. Bloody Americans, couldn't
play good soccer if you shove Old Trafford up their ruddy hole!
Anglophobe: Stop changing the subject -- the Premiership is cheap and
boring! Your women are ugly and your food is terrible!
Anglophile: Oh YEAH!?!?!
Anglophobe: YEAH!!!!
Anglophile: How come every Spice Girls album in the stores on the
continent has little boys greasy paw prints on it and
god knows what else?
Anglophobe: Obviously those marks were built into the master !
Anglophile: I'll master you -- you scuttling little continental fop!
Anglophobe: Why don't you tell us your real name!
Anglophile: Why don't YOU tell US your real name!
Anglophobe: I asked first!
Anglophile: I will NOT tell you -- you'll just back out of your end
of the bargain after I release my real name. Just like
everything else you do!
Anglophobe: I do not!
Anglophile: Do so!
Anglophobe: Do not!
Anglophile: Do so!
Anglophobe: Do not!
Anglophile: Do so!
Anglophobe: Do not!
The House of Commons and the U.S. Congress would have much to learn
from RSS debates. Indeed the caliber of the extemporaneous writing
in this section is so high, even I can write on it.....
-Riff"Yes I can....No you can't...."Ster
============================================
Subject: Re: TWO SCIENTISTS PRESENT THE CASE
Date: Wed, 13 Aug 1997 00:30:55 -0500
From: Paul Mettewie
We join our eminent scientific discussion of the WC 66 controversy
in progress. At a table are seated two rather meek looking professorial
types. Both hold reams of papers in their hands. Two laptops and an
assortment of calculators, rulers, old coffee cups and used kleenex
litter the top of a long table......
English scientist: ....owing to the computational factors of wind resistance,
grass conductivity and field crust magnetic flux, it can
be shown the Geoff Hurst did in fact cross the line with
The Kick. And.....yes Dieter, what is it my friend?
German scientist: Empirically false, I'm afraid. All the laser resonant
imaging we have done of the vectored analysis of every
square centimeter of the German goal at the precise nano
second that the ball entered the fascial plane of the goal
mouth (being that plane equals a composite area of 2Pi to
tenth root of 27.2134) indicates a spheroid displacement
force of less than 45.222 joules. In so far as our studies
indicate that even in the cruddy English weather, a baro-
metrical sway of no more the 17 picocuries could exist,
therefor establishing 64.321 joules as the absolute minimum
impact force required to fully break the vectored fascia.
Nigel, my esteemed colleague, you should review your premise.
ES: You have failed to account for locomotive resonance of the Northern European
plate at the time. Such a drastic shift (on the order of almost a ballistic
1 millimeter per week) could have thrown your fascial plane formula into
the spent pieces of schnitzel and Zeitung classified that it so most deservedly
merits. I further submit that your computational axis was most likely arrived
at by an observer or observers well gassed on Beck's at the time. The joule
force you have arrived at is at least one order of magnitude in error....
GS: You simpering little mother's boy......but never mind your psychic shortcomings.
You do not realize that plate shift studies in the middle sixties indicated
north-south drift, NOT an east-west drift. Therefore, the plate vector analysis
is as worthless as your royal family and a possibly stupider as well....
And at least we have something decent to drink, unlike that syrup
called Guinness. What awful stuff!
ES: You continue to show as much respect for the true geophysical oscillations
present in the Northern European plate as you show respect for the sanctity
of various animal orifices. But bestiality aside, I submit that regardless of
any large-pool magma flow to the north or south, there was sufficient shift
occurring in the crust underneath Wembley to cause an almost vertically struck
sphere to oblate enough to cross the line, thereby once again demonstrating
the glory that is England and the doom that will continue to reign on your
sodden evil overgrown duchy of a nation-state. Your cuisine is preferable
only to millitary rations. In fact, isn't that your cuisine, Dieter my chum.
GS: I have known Paris metro drunkards with a more developed political
acumen than you, and they smell better as well. You english really
should try a cologne that doesn't smell like tobacco and cardigan.
Besides, the shift was not a factor in the joule force of the ball.
Additional studies done by one of our Zeiss optics instruments show
that ambient light and shadow displacement in the area of the spheroid
impact indicate not even one angle capable of being called of the
goal variety with no positive joule entry figures that break the
fascial plane...unlike the breaking of wind that spews from your
own porcine orifices after your regrettable breakfast repasts of
kippers and such....
ES: Your diet of pig innards and heaps of sauerkraut has done more
for alka-seltzer than any curry dish yet invented, it is just a
pity that the ambient atmosphere of Cologne is more like a stock-
yard than the pristine air of the glens and dales of England. And
speaking of the herbal abundance of England, note that the grass
of Wembley was quite close cut that day, reducing the lateral
friction that might have restricted the forward progress of the
goal by Hurst.
And yes, I agree you probably know many drunkards well in the
Paris and Berlin metros. You certainly lived there while conducting
these studies.
GS: You mean of the shot by Hurst...there was no goal you convenient
amnesiac. Liverpool and Manchester have the atmosphere of a dog
kennel at high heat and your women must feel home there as well
too....and did I say to say hello to wife by the way?
ES: It was so a goal and my wife would have been Miss Germany
so many times that they would have discontinued the competition
against your swine-like females.
GS: You are only correct in one thing Nigel, and that is that we
would have discontinued the competition once such a horrid
contestant was crowned by someone like the corrupt match
officials that allowed such an obvious travesty of a goal.
ES: My wife is too pretty! And it was a goal!
GS: Your wife is a schweinhund. And Nein, it was not ein gol!
ES: The only goal you could recognize is the hind end of a dog!
And it was most certainly a score!
GS: I know -- I am looking directly at the hind end of dog
named Nigel now! AND IT WAS NOT A GOAL!
ES: (takes a poke at Dieter) You friggin' jerry! It was a goal!
GS: (slips the punch, tries to trip the englishman) You antiquated
limey hand-me-down! Was not a goal!
ES: (guards rush in and attempt to restrain the pair) WAS TOO!
GS: WAS NOT!
ES: WAS TOO!
GS: NEIN!
ES: QUITE SO!
ES: (as he is muzzled) mmmmmffffftttt!
GS: (as the sedative he has just been given takes effect) NYAAAFGGH!
We return Nigel and Dieter to their respective cells, to await
the decision of FIFA on their respective presentations. A decision
is expected either next week or sometime before time and space
collide and reduce the solar system to nothingness.
-Riff"All the world's a stage...."Ster
==================================
Subject: Re: DO YOU HAVE THE TIME?
Date: Wed, 10 Sep 1997 20:51:26 -0500
From: Paul Mettewie
Joel wrote:
> The [Georgia v Italy] match ended with a 0 - 0.
> Now Italy will have to win against England to end in the first place.
> FORZA ITALIA!
This was a rather delusional result.
But look at the bright side -- RSS will be a absolute
crazy mad hell come October when the English and Italian
components collide in entertaining (though rarely
rational or even topical) nationalistic chest-beating.
I predict at least three hundred inane posts (and
then there's mine.....) which will father at
least three or four sub-threads (see arrows below
for my predictions on these threads....)
Let's get into the WAY-FORWARD machine, Peabody....
ENG: We coming to get ya, Eyeties!
ITA: Yeah, so what?
ENG: Paul Ince will huff and puff, and blow your house down!
ITA: Paul Ince will be red-carded before the half -- I know!
I talked to the ref and he assured me!
(start conspiracy thread here.....) <------
ENG: Yeah, the only way you'll win if the Mafia puts a contract
on the officials.
ITA: No need. They're already employees. As a matter of fact,
YOU are an employee too.
ENG: Arrrggghhh. Well, what about Adams and Pallister?
ITA: They couldn't start for Pescara! They'd have trouble
making the bench for Castel Del Sangro.
ENG: Only if they had drunk more than a liter of it....
ITA: What? Oh, that's a funny! I understand, you make a
joke out of out national game AND our national pride
in winemaking!
ENG: The only pride in winemaking you should have is in
you interminable claims to being the best league in
the world. Everyone knows the Premiership is the best!
It's all changed in the past two years! (start league
argument thread here, possibilities of insulting
several different leagues so count this one at least
as two as Spain and maybe Germany will be dragged
into the fray) <------
ITA: The Premiership is a watered down league with one or
two Italians here and there to liven it up. We just
use the Premiership to dump overrated defenseman and
very ugly attackers.
ENG: When then the entire country should be over here then!
ITA: Another funny from the man from the land with the
worst weather this side of Tierra Del Fuego.
ENG: Better that than having to watch the likes of the over-
rated Ronaldo muck up things!
ITA: Oh, and I suppose you think that talentless twit
from Newcastle is the best? (start attacking style
thread here) <------
seemingly from nowhere walks up a Brasilian......
BRA: Hey, I really think Susanna Werner is sexy. She is
like the sandy beaches of Copacabana, the breezes
of Bahia, a samba on a patio in Porto Alegre....
ENG: SHUT UP!
ITA: KEEP GOING!
ENG: You latin types think you're the best lovers!
ITA: We don't *think* it, we.....
BRA: Anyone have the time? Could you let me use your watches
to synchronize mine? I think mine is very slow.
ENG: Allright...
ITA: Okay, mine is a fine Swiss watch, but made in the
Ticino by Italian Swiss, they are really the best...
ENG: Shut up and let the lad set his watch.
BRA: Hey look, I think it's Susanna Werner over there!
ENG: Hunh? Where? Where!? WHERE!?!
ITA: MAMMA MIA! Che bella biondina! What a babe! But she
is walking away this vision. Come back here my little
flower....(runs off)
ENG: Wait for me, I've got to protect her from you!
(joins him in the chase)
BRA: Two more watches for me, two more idiots for the
world.....hey girl come on over here -- it's
dinner time and daddy has some presents!
(A blonde runs up and smiles, grabs the Swiss watch before
you can say Ronaldinha and fixes a praticed eye on it.)
BLO: Hmmmm....these two were good ones. Especially stupid
and especially rich....they must post to RSS a lot!
-Riff"Of course I am the impartial observer in this...."Ster