From: Paul Mettewie Subject: Admission - My Dog Picked the Cup Drawing Date: 05/12/2001 In a startling revelation, Riffster admits that his dog, Ruffster, made the selections for the World Cup. ------- In an exclusive interview made available to RSS through the auspices of the ABTFUSKF* foundation, the Ruffster spoke through his owner, Riffster. (not TO Riffster, but THROUGH him, we don't want any Son of Sam references here.....) RIFF: Okay, fess up pooch, you screwed up again! Last week it was crapping on the neighbors porch, this week it was wrecking the picks at the World Cup! What's next, banning the showing of "Showgirls" at the next Film Festival? RUFF: I really don't want to speak about the incident with the Campbell family - there are legal proceedings going on at the moment and my lawyer has advised me to be quiet. RIFF: Well, that's a first. Well, back to soccer - let's go through the groups and you tell me why you drew them the way you did and who will win and advance, okay? RUFF: Hey, you're the guy talking to the dog - fire away. RIFF: Well, let's start with Group A - France, Senegal, Uruguay, Denmark. The obvious favorite is the French, with Uruguay and Denmark next and Senegal an unknown. RUFF: The French have great food, the Danes have great pastries and Uruguay has - a River Plate which reminds me of food but Senegal I know nothing about. But I drew them like this because I wanted one country with great food, at least one more with good food, another that *sounded* like food, and then the "other" country that I had no feeling or hated because of their food. France to win, and Denmark second by a whisker...heh heh. RIFF: Hokay - I think I know where you're going with this, which is more than I can say about our walks in the park. Okay, how about Group B - Spain, Slovenia, Paraguay, and South Africa? Spain is probably the favorite, but watch out for both Slovenia and Paraguay - dangerous sides. And nobody really gives South Africa much of a chance.... RUFF: Spain, easily best food - Slovenia I have no idea, but put it this way, if someone dropped me off in front of a Slovenian restaurant and said "go play in the garbage" I would jump back in the car and demand a bath. Paraguay sounds like it might have good food so I will give it the benefit of the doubt. South Africa I have no idea how the food is - they are unknown too. RIFF: Okay, Group C - Brazil, Turkey, China, Costa Rica. Looks like one of the easier groups maybe, hey Ruffster? Brazil is the traditional pick here, but they are struggling, Turkey had a pretty impressive qualification process though not much of a tradition, China is a newcomer and Costa Rica is generally not given much of a chance. A bit of a weak sister, this group, eh Ruffy? RUFF: MAIS NON (my dog is bi-woofable) Anything but - this is the GROUP OF FOOD DEATH!!! Brazil has wonderful cuisine and so does China and Costa Rica - and Turkey is the best sounding country in the World! A fantastic canine gastronomical wonder! I will be riveted in front of the set for every group match! I don't whom to pick (or eat for that matter.) Make sure that you bring plenty of Kibbles 'n' Bits! RIFF: Hmmm......you'll get Purina and like it mutt! Okay, now for Group D - South Korea, Poland, United States and Portugal. Looks like an easy one for the Portuguese with Poland finishing second ahead of a game but outmanned South Korea and the USA bringing up the rear. RUFF: Not my favorite group would be an understatement for this one. I will not say one word more about "that country" - would you favor the entry of cannibals into the Cup? Answer me or I go on the carpet right now! RIFF: Okay, okay, don't do it again please! I am low on carpet cleaner! No, I would not want a World Cup with cannibals! For one thing, they might have some trouble finishing games full strength..... RUFF: Enough already - you are looking at having some steak, I am looking at dry food by-products and stale water, I don't need any more of a queasy stomach than I already have.... RIFF: Okay, back to your analysis - do you notice if you say that quick it sounds like a doping test? Your analysis? Your analysis? RUFF: You need analysis! RIFF: I have you for a pet, don't I? RUFF: I'm all that keeps you from Prozacville! RIFF: Okay, already - please let's get back to group D without any mention of "that country"! RUFF: Okay, Poland has so-so food, Portugal has good food and the USA has horrible food. So my pick is - Portugal first, Poland second, USA third and that other country gets disqualified. RIFF: You can't do that! RUFF: Hey, I already picked the countries, who says I can't unpick them too? Remember, you don't have much to stand on, you are the one interviewing a four-year old terrier! RIFF: Don't I know it! And in your case dog years equal human years! (Ruffster snarls) Okay, Ruffy, just joking, these are good pants I'm wearing! Just joking! I know one dog year equals seven human years! Okay - on to Group E, okay? RUFF: Okay - in your case one dog year equals 12 human years, maybe more. RIFF: Hey, I said I would stop! Okay, here is the lineup for E - Germany, Saudi Arabia, Ireland and Cameroon. Looks like a group with Germany first, Ireland second and Saudi Arabia and Cameroon fighting for third? What do you think? RUFF: Germany first no doubt - I love snausages, I mean sausages! But as to the others I am unsure -- Saudi Arabia and Ireland - both have okay food. I like lamb, but then again I like corned beef - tough to pick. But Cameroon almost sounds like a Macaroon, and I think they're yummy, so I guess I will pick Macaroon or whatever it is called for second. RIFF: And I thought my soccer knowledge was bad....yeah, yeah, I know, I'm the one talking to a dog! Okay, Group F - Argentina, Nigeria, England and Sweden - looks like a very tough group - a real Group of Death. What do you think? RUFF: No way - Argentina and Sweden easy. Argentina has great beef and wine and other fine food (and you thought dogs didn't follow Robert Parker, mine does!) so they are easy first place finishers. Sweden has excellent pastries so they finish second. Nigeria sounds like a disease and England has the worst food this side of the USA. Easy picking! RIFF: Nigeria sounds like a disease? Whew boy, you aren't going for the pupularity vote are you? Get it? PUPularity? Har har har..... RUFF: If I could divorce you, I would! RIFF: No one would take you - you're an obvious malcontent! RUFF: My disposition would improve as soon as I walked out a free dog! No more Riffster puns! No more Riffster Inter! Free at last, free at last, oh almighty Alpo I am free at last! RIFF: Martin Luther King you're not - besides you are white and tan - not black and tan, which reminds me, I'm thirsty. RUFF: Stop! Stop! The horror! The horror! (Rolls over and plays dead. First time he ever did a trick.) RIFF: Okay, I promise - no more puns (didn't see my fingers crossed though....). How about Group G - Italy, Ecuador, Croatia and Mexico. Sounds like the Italians will finish first, with Croatia and Ecuador battling for second. Mexico seems a bit weaker this year, eh? RUFF: Wrong again, pal! Italy will indeed finish first - the only reason that dog was caught in the ashes at Pompei was because he was dining doggie deluxe on some luscious table scraps! But the surprise is Mexico in second - great food. I have no idea about either Ecuador or Croatia - except that I have never had Ecuadorian or Croatian food. So they are out of it - or at least they are out of my mind, which I am going to be if I have to talk to you much longer. RIFF: Last group, Ruffy - then you get a doggie biscuit. And remember I didn't make the crack about Macaroon, you did! RUFF: Well, I was serious. You were trying to be funny. RIFF: Story of my life..... RUFF: Okay, let's not delve into tragi-comedy, how about footy instead? RIFF: You're right - okay, Group H - the last group (hosannah!) Japan, Belgium, Russia and Tunisia. Looks like an tough group to pick a winner - the hosts could be helped by the home crowd while neither of the other three looks invincible nor weak. What do you think? RUFF: Again an easy pick - Belgium has great chocolate, so they win. Japan and Russia both belong in the Cuisine Stockade as far as I'm concerned, so Tunisia makes it through out of default. Besides I like the sound of "cous cous". RIFF: Well, so we have the following: GROUP A: France and Denmark GROUP B: Spain and Paraguay GROUP C: (flips biscuit and it comes up with) China and Costa Rica!!! GROUP D: Portugal and Poland GROUP E: Germany and Cameroon GROUP F: Argentina and Sweden GROUP G: Italy and Mexico GROUP H: Belgium and Tunisia RUFF: Yummy! RIFF: Okay, picks for the Round of 16? Germay vs. Paraguay? RUFF: Have to go with Der Snausages! RIFF: Ah, yes. Germany I think. Okay, next match - France vs. Sweden. RUFF: Another case of the pastry not holding holding up to the main course - France of course! RIFF: Kind of like them getting their just desserts, eh? RUFF: (growls) RIFF: Hokay - moving along now - how about Spain vs. Cameroon. RUFF: Here the sweets have their revenge. Macaroon in a cakewalk over the Paella Boyz. But it may go overtime if they use the Primat. RIFF: Enough with the obscure wine references, okay? Next match has Italy versus Poland. RUFF: Italy has everything Poland has and more - I love Snausages, but Italy has that and so much more. Italy! RIFF: Okay - a strange pick (but then I am talking to a dog, so why am wondering....) China vs. Tunisia. RUFF: China is too strong for Tunisia, Riff me boy. RIFF: You could say that Tunisia will falafil after the match, eh? RUFF: (begins to pick up a hind leg....) RIFF: Okay, that was my one pun for this round, okay? RUFF: No more!!! RIFF: Okay, next match is Belgium vs. Costa Rica...what say you? RUFF: Costa Rica has too much beans for the Truffle Boyz. Go Ticos! RIFF: And I am the one with the bad jokes? Et tu, Ruffster? RUFF: Hey, I'm the star here - you're just holding the mike! RIFF: Okay, forget about it. What about the last round of 16 game - Portugal vs. Mexico. RUFF: A close one but I gotta go with Mexico. Ole Tri! RIFF: Okay, so we have France vs. China in the quarters - looks like a blowout but I am afraid to ask you..... RUFF: Hey, who's answering here? Me or you? I take China and before you choke, understand that their cuisine is hundreds of year older than France's. When the Chinese were mixing up wondrous meals, the French were busy trying to eat raw fish. RIFF: There goes your Legion of Merit - and remind me to take back that Guide Michelin you have stashed in the doghouse. Okay, what about Germany vs. Italy - a clash of Titans! RUFF: Not even close - Italy steams the snausages just like they did the Poles! RIFF: Alright, if you say so. How about another wierd pairing for the quarters - Cameroon against Mexico. RUFF: The Macaroons spoil my appetite and I just can't get to the main course so Macaroon in a match that ends before it starts due to a severe sugar rush. RIFF: You're delusional, you know that? Okay, now to the last quarterfinal, Argentina against Costa Rica, and I hope you use your mind not your stomach this time. RUFF: Hey, brains, I'm a dog, what do you think rules me? Well, outside that other thing - but's this a family newsgroup isn't it? Okay, so I am picking Costa Rica and if you don't like that pobresito, that's too bad! RIFF: Sheesh - okay - the semifinals. First match is Italy vs. Maca - oh christ - CAmeroon. RUFF: One for the ages - goes to a golden goal and Italy wins because they have more gold in their cuisine than Macaroon does. Pasta, veal, Pinot Grigio...... RIFF: I had to ask. Okay, next is China versus Argentina. Might I ask if there is a sane answer approaching on the horizon? RUFF: No you may not, and no the answer is not sane because I am a hungry house pet who thinks of food first, last, and always. China wins and it's not even close! RIFF: Help. Somebody help! RUFF: You needed that a long time ago. Too late now. RIFF: You're probably right. Okay, let's end the misery. Cameroon vs. Argentina in the consolation game. No one cares, but you aren't just any person - you're a dog. RUFF: And don't you forget it, bub! Okay, here I am picking the Macaroons to upset a devastated Argie side that lost to the first-timers from China! RIFF: Well, one thing I have to hand to you is that you're consistent. Consistently nuts. RUFF: Yeah, yeah, but I don't interview the squirrel in the front yard, do I? RIFF: Yeah, you freakin' chase it all over the block! RUFF: Which is what I'm *supposed* to do, Riff! Unlike you, who are interviewing a quadruped about the World Cup! RIFF: Okay, let's just get it over with - the final between Italy and China. I am going to cover my ears and sing real loud so I don't hear it! RUFF: Italy takes a big early lead, but they get too scared by playing well and not being their typical boring selves, so that lets the Chinese back into it. The Chinese score twice in the dying minutes to send the game to extra time, where Italy misses many easy chances to score. It goes to penalty kicks and it is still tied after the five proscribed kicks. It goes to extra kicks and China wins on the fourteenth kick!!! RIFF: NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-HEY-HEY-HEY-GOODBYE! - Riff "*Anything But Freaking UKSF" Ster