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Subject: MLS drinking game
From: double@man.utd (munch)
Date: May 16, 1996
MLS drinking game
The MLS drinking game has been developed in order to make the league
season a little more exciting and fun. To go with the good of the
league, we must put up with the bad. This game definetely punishes
the viewer of a match, the drinker, for matters on the pitch. All you
need to play is plenty of beer, an MLS game on tv, and a few of your
best mates to watch and join you as you all get thoroughly inebriated.
Overall, this was designed for the average college student's need to
have an excuse to drink mass quantities of beer and have fun doing it
in the fashion of old style drinking games like 3 man and Asshole.
If you have any additions, feel free to add them because it does need
some work in some places.
For players on the field of play:
If a player, players, or team(s):
dribbles, takes on man, and loses the ball- one drink
overruns the ball whilst dribbling - two drinks
dribbles and is caught in possession by the other team- five drinks
...and gives a scoring opportunity - ten drinks
...and gives up a goal - one beer
dribbles and loses the ball to a teammate by miscommunication - five drinks
dribbles out of bounds - ten drinks
has a misskick/misspass - one drink
passes the ball to no one (not to open space) - two drinks
passes the ball out of bounds - five drinks
passes the ball to the opposing team - ten drinks
...and they score - one beer
shoot the ball wide/high - one drink
shoots the ball 10 yards wide/high - five drinks
shoots the ball 20 yards wide/high - ten drinks
shoots the ball over the sideline for a throw-in - one beer
shoots and misses the ball - one beer
shoots the ball into his own goal - two beers
misstraps the ball - one drink
complains to the ref - two drinks
is offside - two drinks
dives - two drinks
...and acts injured - five drinks
...gets up, and walks without a limp -ten drinks
...gets up, and walks with a limp - one beer
...and is carried off on a stretcher - one beer
spits - five drinks
loses the ball in the sun - five drinks
gets a yellow card - five drinks
commits a foul - five drinks
is substituted for overall bad play - ten drinks
commits a foul throw in - ten drinks
gets a red card - one beer (2 yellows = 1 red; 1 beer and 10 drinks)
fights - one beer
if you cannot pronounce the names of an entire team's starting 11 - one beer
Double the drinks if a US national team or marquee player commits the bad
play or is a part of it.
For bad announcer:
If the announcer(s):
says something about a sponsor - one drink
mispronounces a player's name - three drinks
mistakes one player for another - five drinks
talks about a player's college, former club, national team, or
little league team - ten drinks
is Tye Keough - drink one beer because he is an idiot
explains a rule of soccer wrong - ten drinks
...and it is Tye Keough - drink one beer
says something stupid like if someone else would have scored,
someone else could have won - ten drinks
...and it is Tye Keough - one beer
asks Tye Keough about his glory days playing soccer - drink two beers
and God save us
For ugly fans in the stands:
If a fan(s):
is not wearing a shirt - one drink for every one
is a child and is wearing a silly wig - five drinks
is an adult and is wearing a silly wig - ten drinks
...and it is actually their real hair - one beer
doesn't look like they can speak a word of english - five drinks
actually speaks a foreign language to the camera - ten drinks
For idiot camera men:
If a camera man:
misses the action because of a close up on a non-involved player
on the field - one drink
misses the action because of a close up on a non-involved player
on the sideline - two drinks
misses the action because of a close up of a coach - five drinks
misses the action because of a close up of the crowd - ten drinks
misses the action because of a replay - ten drinks
misses the action because of a close up of an announcer - one beer
...and it is Tye Keough - two beers
For the teams:
Los Angeles:
every time someone besides Jorge Campos takes a goal-kick -
one drink
every time Jorge Campos throws the ball instead of punting it -
two drinks
every time there is a remark about Jorge Campos' kit - five drinks
every time there is a remark about Cobi Jones' dreadlocks -
five drinks
every time Shue's acting career is mentioned - ten drinks
every time Shue fucks up on the field - one beer
New England:
every time Lalas' hair is mentioned - five drinks
...goatee - ten drinks
...band, the Gypsies - a beer
every time I (or you ) wish Lalas would roll over and die - a keg
every time the announcers do not mention how Alan Shearer shoved
2 goals down Lalas' throat in '94 after he was talking shit about
Alan - the whole Anheuser-Busch brewery
Tampa:
every time there is a remark about Valderamma's hair - five drinks
every time Kooiman kicks, punches, jumps on, bites, or elbows
another player - ten drinks
every time you see Kooiman and Valderamma and wish they would do
something else with their hair - one beer
San Jose:
every time Crazy George is shown on tv - five drinks
every time a Queen song is being played in the background at the
stadium - ten drinks
Columbus:
every time Paz is offside - five drinks besides the two for being
offside
every time the fans storm the pitch after the match (because you are
not there!) - ten drinks
D.C.:
every time the University of Virginia is mentioned - five drinks
every time the number of soccer titles they have won is mentioned -
ten drinks
every time Bruce Arena is called a stud because of the title - one beer
because they are a shitty team even though they beat Columbus 5-2
(Brucie, go back to Virginia ) - one beer
Kansas City:
every time the Wiz is mentioned ( huh, huh, he said wiz) - five drinks
every time you hear the chant, _ding, dong, the wiz is dead_ (not
witch; that stupid Wizard of Oz crap) - ten drinks
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From: mazzare@primenet.com (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: Re: MLS drinking game
Date: May 27, 1996
Excellent idea, and I see that you have given some serious thought to the
issues involved. I'd just cut down on the number of drinks you have to consume
for each of the things that you mentioned (otherwise the game is just too
expensive, I mean, you're talking two kegs per capita). Other rules to
consider:
If a viewer asks to switch from Univision to ESPN, he downs the beer.
If Longo is unable to restrain a moaning sound during the broadcast, everybody
drinks.
If a viewer likes the purple and green ball, he downs the beer.
If a viewer says that Cobi Jones has blazing speed, he downs the beer.
This game has potential, and I suspect we could all be strung up for
corrupting the youth (that's what they got Socrates with, btw). Take care,
Ariel
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From: cmorris@ccnet.com (Colin Morris)
Subject: Re: MLS drinking game
Date: May 28, 1996
How about some refereeing ones:-
Referee frantically waves his arms about to stop stadium clock and get
five seconds added back on, one beer.
Referee yellow cards player for over-exuberant goal celebration, one
beer.
Cleats up, potentially shin-shattering tackle results in warning or
yellow card from referee when it warrants an automatic red card, one
beer.
"Shootout":- as many beers as you like to drown out the ensuing
nonsense...
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From: sbrand@prairienet.org (Stephen Brand)
Subject: Re: MLS drinking game
Date: May 28, 1996
Regrettably, due to the practical problems of acquiring and consuming mass
quantities of beer that Ariel calls attention to, the game probably could not
accomodate the following oddities of ESPN coverage:
1. The ball is in play on the side nearest the camera, but is obscured
by some hideous graphic on the lower part of the screen tallying the
number of times that each side spat on the pitch in the first half.
Graphic will vanish only when the ball suddenly re-appears in the
penalty area of your team. 1 gulp.
2. ESPN commentators take a cerebral promenade down memory lane, oblivious
to steady midfield build up play that threatens to escalate into
offensive onslaught. 3 gulps.
3. Player gives polite ESPN interview at the half, interview ends,
camera stays on player for several seconds with the sound off, player's
demeanour undergoes a remarkable change as he appears to be mouthing
obscenities at the world in general ..... 5 gulps.
4. Odd camera work during the ESPN half-time show on Youth Soccer
makes some innocent U-8 side look like "Village of the Damned" meets
"Lord of the Flies"... 10 gulps.